(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
Today was a good day, I felt good, I felt stable, I felt happy, I felt like a miracle occurred that I could feel this happy after our break-up and un-break-up only days ago. I felt like my own fucking hero, like I was a god soaring above the usual pitfalls of human emotion, on my way to ultimate ascension with my newly expanded heart and infinite mind. You know, really feeling myself.
Then tonight, out of nowhere, a little piece of my heart closed in, setting off a domino effect of shutdown. Not triggered by anything in particular, it just started folding in on itself and kept doing it until it was a tiny, origami something-flat-and-tight. I felt sad, but for no reason. I felt heavy, but gravity had not changed.
Then I remembered. I remembered the feeling of standing out on the street in the rain with my hand spread open, palms up, asking “WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS PAIN?!!”
I remembered like it was only four weeks ago, cause it was, and it swirled in my emotions like paint in water.
Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget, How to forget? Time, I suppose. And gratitude? Intentional focus? Maybe just breathing and breathing and breathing the memory away? Maybe sitting down and writing on the computer instead of letting last month’s heartbreak squeeze my lungs until I am hunched over? Maybe sharing with all you, even though all of you are not here yet because I have not created my blog or anything I am supposed to be creating?
I have never successfully rebuilt a relationship that felt broken. I have never wanted to. So this will be my first, if I figure out how.
If I lay down my umbrella
will no boots drop from the sky?
If I sheath my sword,
will no foe leap from the shadows?
If I let the warmth of the sunlight
ripple across my skin,
will I not remember the pain of last winter
or fear its bitter return?
Am I safe?
Am I safe?
Am I safe?
