(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
I let you in so deep you etched your initials into my lungs, and now I am left breathing the memory of you wrapped around my confused heart.
To Girl.
You broke Girlfriend’s heart when you left, and it is hard to watch her mourn you so deeply. It is hard to see her tears falling for you, it is hard to see her frozen in time, it is hard to wrap my arms around her when it is your presence she is missing terribly. She is so sad, there is no joy in gloating, so I do not declare “Aha, SEEEEeeeeeeee, you are heartbroken because you were NOT just friends! I was right! I was RIGHT!” I just think it quietly in my head and hope she perks up soon, because it is both completely sad and totally annoying.
But my secret is, shhhhh don’t tell anyone… That I miss you, too.
Right? RIGHT?!! Why would I miss you? It makes no sense. It is the opposite of sense. But I do. Like, a lot.
I am listening to Die Young.
I am listening to Die Young because I was wondering if I could hear it without thinking of you, without feeling like my heart was being prodded and squished.
The answer to that is “no.”
I really hope the answer is actually “not yet.”
And I don’t understand. I don’t understand this sadness. I don’t understand this pain. I don’t understand this longing. Longing for what? Missing what? Because my role? What I had in this, what I was in this? I was so little. I was nothing. And what I had, what I had was mostly pain. Heartbreak. Sorrow. Anger. Rejection. Hopelessness. Loss. Rage. Emptiness.
So what am I missing? Why would I miss watching you together? Why would I miss the agony of seeing my love falling for someone else? Why would I miss any of the shit that felt like it burned me alive?
It makes no sense.
But I hear this song and I see the best moments of you. I see you laughing. Always laughing, your back against the ottoman, smoke swirling around your hair. I see you sitting in the car half in shadow, half in light because you don’t like the dark and want to see our faces. I see you excited, delighted, in wonder, nervous, giggly, your chin tucked into your shirt like a child. And these scenes play over and over and I miss them, but they were not mine. I was there, sometimes present, but they were not mine. Your smile was not mine, your laugh was not mine, your lighted eyes were not mine, your glee was not mine. So why do I feel like I lost it all? Why do I feel like I wish you and your smile were still here?
What we had, you and I, it was awkward and agonizing. It was up and down, fragile and fearful, confusing and erratic. But also present was this bizarre, unexplainable, seemingly unconditional love flowing from me to you, not romantic in nature, but immense for reasons I cannot understand. It was just…. There. For no logical reason, there. For no rational explanation, there. Here.
But that you I thought I was loving? Good god, did that you even exist? Because she seems to be gone now, that person. Like she was a figment of my imagination, of our imagination. Was any of it real? Was any of it fucking real? Or are you just a ghost? Were you always a ghost?
I do not know why I love you
I do not know why I miss you
I do not know why I want to protect you
I do not know why the light in your eyes is so important to me
I do not know why I feel for you even in all of this pain
I do not understand why I want to be special to you at all
And…
Were you able to turn it all off like a light?
Were you able to erase everything like our history was written in graphite and our moments drawn in the sand?
Were you able to wash your hands clean and forget they once held our beating hearts?
