Notes to My Past Self

NTPS #3: Jean Jewels Bonanza

To young adult Angela who just came up with the idea of Jean Jewels, little charms on chains that hang on the belt loop of jeans.

This idea is SOLID. You are going to sell so many of these, especially after you put up your display of those cute little denim shorts with your glittery jean jewels hanging from them. Craft fairs are going to be frenzies, your booth is going to be so full of ladies clamoring for these things you are going to end up standing in the aisle frantically stuffing money into your fanny pack. It is going to be AWESOME.

Everyone wants these for stocking stuffers, everyone wants to hand these out to their friends, everyone wants these because… I’m not even sure why everyone wants them, you actually never really wore them. But wow, it is impossible to keep up with the demand because you make everything by hand, and that is a good problem, and it is a good single season.

Single, because next year the fashion changes and women stop tucking in their shirts.

NTPS #4: Sugar Coffee Drink

To 19 year-old Angela buying a brownie cold coffee drink with caramel every single day for lunch.

Do you know why you are drinking this insanely sweet coffee concoction, and telling yourself it is a meal, when you work in a bakery and cafe with actual food? It is because you are severely addicted to sugar, and this drink in particular. That is why you think about it all morning, counting down the minutes until you can down your tidy 800 calories of sugar, dairy and caffeine, then immediately want another.

But I’ll tell you what, this beverage is why you have a headache every afternoon. This beverage is why you are jittery and also exhausted. And this beverage is why you gain so much weight.

Well, it is part of why you gain weight. You also eat a tremendous amount of free ham rolls and danishes.

NTPS #5: Not Invited to Dude’s Toga Party

To college Angela who is not invited to that dude’s toga party.

I know you thought you were friends, because you’ve known each other for some time now and hang out during your free period and eat lunch together and talk about life. And maybe you are friends, maybe he even flirts with you a little, but he definitely does not consider you cool enough to be in his frat-like tribe of guys with abs and women who look like models. And that is okay, because you actually are not the kind of person who enjoys parties with lots of drinking and sex.

You may not know this, but you are not a casual-sex type of person. You are a I-really-really-like-you-so-we-have-sex-and-now-I-love-you type person. So it probably is a good thing he seems too embarrassed to invite you to his parties, despite spending quite a lot of time with you at school, because you are not ready to handle pretty boys who smash beer cans on their chests and have sex in the bathroom.

You are never ready for that. And that is a good thing.

NTPS #6: “Inappropriate” 7th-Grade Crush

To Angela in seventh grade who thinks that long-haired boy with the locker by yours is super cute.

You think he just has the most charming smile ever, you think his eyes are sparkly and full of life, and for a while you intentionally go to your locker when you think he will be there. And then, you realize your cute boy crush is actually a girl. And you are going to squash the crush down deep inside of you, because you can’t like a girl. And a girl would never like you, so what is the point?

This becomes really funny later.

NTPS #7: Unfriended by Childhood Bestie for Being Gay

To adult Angela who just received a text that a 35-year friendship is over because you are dating a woman.

Feel it. It sucks. It feels like being slapped in the face and punched in the gut at the same time. It pisses you off, and also breaks your heart.

Because you have so many memories. Staying up all night, going to the crack seed shop, her purple bedroom walls, the bunks at summer camp, dancing together, driving to Walmart and running a yellow-turned-red right past a police car because her breaks are giving out, sunrise Bible Studies, crushes and boyfriends, weddings, pregnancies, your little girls in gymnastics class.

It sucks because you loved her and thought she’d always be around, even if she didn’t approve of your choices, even if you weren’t Christian, you thought she’d still make space for you. But she can’t make space for you. It is too frightening, too threatening to her existence. And while you want to be pissed, you want to be so enraged that she truly believes being gay is one of the worst sins of all, you are mostly sad.

And that is okay. And it is okay that you are still going to feel sad in the future. It is okay that you will miss her now and then.

It is okay, because that just means the friendship meant something to you, and that even though she rejects your identity, you do not reject hers.

NTPS #1: True Love Doesn’t Wait

To 6th grade Angela whose True Love Waits necklace breaks. Again.

I don’t know what to tell you, maybe these things are cheaply made. Maybe it is not good to wear jewelry while learning how to do a layup from your brother. Maybe your perspiration is like acid. There are many possibilities, but I think it is the Universe giving you a clear sign there is no way, ever, you are going to be a virgin until marriage. So just let go of that idea.

You do, however, graduate high school a virgin. But not because of your necklace, or any promise to your abstinence-obsessed God, but because you are awkward and really bad at dating. And don’t realize that you could possibly get any guy in school if you openly offered up your private parts. I am glad you did not understand this.

NTPS #2: Halloween Poop Emergency

To 7th-grade Angela, dressed as a cat, who ate too many sixlets at the beginning of Jenny’s Halloween party.

It’s embarrassing, I know. It’s embarrassing to be at your first Halloween party EVER, trick-or-treating with new friends from your new school, and have your stomach go into full blown I-need-a-bathroom-right-now rebellion. It is embarrassing to beg a fancy woman if you could PLEASE use her fancy bathroom, and for her to say “No,” because you are a strange kid and it is not customary to let desperate teens you don’t know into one’s house. It is embarrassing to scuttle back to your friend’s house, hoping you can find it, to sneak quietly in and to the bathroom where you feel like you are going to poop yourself to death, while praying to dear god almighty that you are done by the time the other kids return.

But you will not be done. You will hear them coming in, their laughter, the sound of candy poured onto a table, and wish you had chosen a more private bathroom and not the official bathroom for the party. You will wish you could just disappear altogether. And I am not here to comfort you and say it turns out great, because it doesn’t. The night is harrowing and you just want to go home and not see anyone ever again.

But I will tell you that it stops mattering really fast. Days go by, no one is talking about your poop emergency, and life continues. You get to move on and be stressed about other things, like failing pre-algebra and how Nicky likes Brad even though you said you like Brad first. This is also not going to be your worst toilet emergency, it will be greatly eclipsed when you get to college, and that one will be eclipsed when you have to poop in a van. But you will get over both of those, too.

Notes to My Past Self #3-7

Notes to My Past Self 1 & 2: True Love Doesn’t Wait & Halloween Poop