(A non-literal cartoon depiction inspired by past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
An epiphany I had while very sick, and attempting to boost my immune system by lying down on the grass and dirt in the middle of the backyard. Yes, all the neighbors were like “What the?”
To Girlfriend:
I see it now.
I see it clear as day.
I think Girl is acting like my friend because I am yours.
And that is the only reason.
And Girl is not even doing a good job.
I think the truth of it is:
Girl does not care if she hurts me.
Girl is more than willing to hurt me.
Girl is eager to hurt me.
I do not matter
because Girl wants what she wants,
and there is nothing more to expect from her
than this.
And the pain is holding what I think I know,
but seeing you want to give her everything,
wanting to spend a lifetime with her,
this girl who seemingly wishes
I did not exist.
Perhaps wishes
you were alone.
and I know it,
and she knows it,
and I feel like you know it, too.
That is why the Universe gave me perplexing feelings for her,
that is why the Universe draws me to her.
So I do not hate her.
So I do not despise her.
So I do not pluck her from our lives.
So I do not hurt her
the way she seems ready to hurt me.
(NOTE: Pulled from a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
“Lost”
She is your muse.
She is your sunshine prism.
She is your diamond,
and I am your rock,
solid beneath your feet
carrying you so you may
reach your arms upwards to her.
Everything you do is for her,
your creations, your memes, your art,
so she sees, so she hears, so she knows,
and I am pushed to the edge of your universe,
a nameless star.
How do I do this?
How do I walk this broken-glass path,
shards of everything I thought we were, of everything I thought I was.
How do I do this?
How do I breathe in and out
with lungs made of lead, and air thick with the ashes
of our life that has been burned to the ground?
How do I move these bones rattling in my skin?
What do I do with this heart scraping my ribs,
scratching the flesh of my chest,
carving “THERE IS NO SAFETY HERE!”
There is no solace here.
There is no love here.
There is no her here.
There is no you here.
Just me.
Just me in this fucking empty hall
with no one to hear my knees hit the ground,
with no one to lament my shredded-flesh feet,
with no one to bandage my bleeding soul.
“No Power”
You both tell me I have the power
and I laugh, because what power is this?
To plunge you both into misery?
To switch off the warmth of your suns?
To submerge you into the pain I feel every damned second of every damned day?
The power to make you both resent me? To make you both hate me?
The power to take away “the person you’ve waited for your entire life?”
The power to make it impossible, so you leave me so it can be possible again?
THERE IS NO POWER HERE.
I have no power.
Dear Angels, dear Masters, dear Guardians, Mother Gaia,
how do I do this?
How do I show up tomorrow and the day after that?
How do I live this life where my love has become nothing?
How do I live in this Universe where the love of my life revolves around someone else?
How do I let this girl into my home?
How do I let her gifts sit on our shelves?
How do I speak to her when she rejects my words?
Our years have become a joke.
Waiting for this anniversary to come.
Waiting for what?
Blazing pain?
To watch you and her unable to get enough of each other?
To watch you and her drawn together like magnets?
To find out I am nothing after all?
To hear you say nice words, but see your actions betray you at every turn?
The actions that betray the lies you are living?
“She is just a friend.”
“She is just my muse.”
“She is just my crush.”
Yes, she is JUST the single reason for everything you fucking do and every thought you fucking think and there is NOTHING I can do.
You do not see me.
You do not hear me.
So I just keep walking, and hope I make it through.
(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
So it may appear like Girlfriend was getting all of the goodies while I was losing the goodies I thought I had.
BUT, it takes two to tango, so let’s take a peek at Girlfriend’s possible perspective.
Imagine Girlfriend has laid her eyes upon the most loveliest, most intriguing, most delectable, most coolest lollipop in all the land. And she was like “Oh my gosh babe, this lollipop is AMAZING, can I hang out with it?” to which I replied “Yes, you absolutely can hang out with it. Have a great time. Forge deep bonds. It looks delicious. You have my wholehearted blessing.”
Then, as time goes on, I realize I don’t like how much time Girlfriend spends with Lollipop, I don’t like how attached she’s becoming to Lollipop, I don’t like the whole house being sticky or that she always smells like strawberries.
BUT, I am deeply lacking in self-worth, rather codependent and people-pleaser-y plus fawn-y, and under the impression that Girlfriend is way better than me, way hotter than me, and is doing me massive favors by being with me, a dowdy, used up mother of three. I think she is the good-est looking, most badass creature in the entire world, and I cannot live without her, and so I try to be cool about it so she does not leave me. I try to be cool by arranging for them to hang out and encouraging their alone-time and saying super awesome things like “Lollipop can come over anytime!” and “Let’s definitely drop all of our plans for Lollipop at any moment!” and “Let’s buy Lollipop gifts!” and “Yeah, I guess I could tolerate Lollipop possibly living in our house someday.”
However, in between all of the cool things, I am falling apart. I am having a fit in the garage. I am running to the corner of the street and crying under a big tree. I am beating our mattress with a guava stick. I am sitting on giant rocks in a preschool yard at 2am, shaking my fist at the stars. I am recording pissed-off videos. I am clearly not okay.
But then I force myself to be fine. I gather myself up, remember I am supposed to be perfect, and go back to saying mature-as-shit things like, “Why don’t you spend time with Lollipop while I grocery shop?” and “Let’s take Lollipop food on our date day!” and “Let’s help Lollipop have more money than we do!”
And then, of course, the falling apart in between.
So you can see how it could be confusing.
NOW, imagine Lollipop is, uh, heroin-flavored. Or whatever the most addictive drug is. (This is not real, no one did any hard drugs, we have no idea what heroin tastes like). And so when I get to the point of “I am losing my shit, I cannot do this anymore, I don’t want to be around Lollipop,” Girlfriend does not seem to be able to stop. She can’t lose Lollipop now. I can’t tell her she can have Heroin Lollipop, encourage her to be addicted to heroin Lollipop, then tell her she needs to throw heroin Lollipop in the garbage and not have any heroin Lollipops ever again. That is not nice.
PLUS, even though I voiced my displeasure, I also repeatedly wavered and backtracked because I also have a weird addiction to Heroin Lollipop and find myself constantly taking back my words, apologizing, saying it was all my fault, and inviting Lollipop over. Even though it kind of seems like Lollipop is trying to steal my partner and screw up my life, I so desperately want Lollipop still in it.
And if I, the cast-out one feeling ignored and run over, still wants Lollipop around… Can you imagine how Girlfriend must have felt as the one Lollipop appeared to actually be obsessed with?
I hope this was helpful.
(NOTE: If you are all wondering WHY we were ever so attached to her, I will attempt to explain this in a later post)
(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend
Girl seems to want to spend time alone with you. She claims she wants alone time with each of us, but you are the one she is suggesting the super-long-out-in-nowhere hike to. My texts are empty. As usual. You are so drugged under her spell you don’t seem to see it, what she is doing. Though maybe it’s not that you don’t see it, it’s that you refuse to admit it.
I see it. It feels like Girl is trying to separate us, trying to get you isolated, trying to remove me from the picture. I suspect she is plying you with words you want to hear, claiming to care about me, claiming to care about BOTH of us. I don’t think I am important to Girl, I don’t think she gives a shit about me. I suspect this woman will run me over if it gets her to you faster, and it feels like you are letting her.
What do I feel?
Love and hatred butting heads, the call to shut down, the call to spiral into a rage and let my base emotions fly unfiltered.
I want to declare “FUCK YOU BOTH and crush everything you each hold dear.
I want to erase the past five years with a pocketknife, to scratch out every memory we ever made.
I want to hold you still and scream “YOU ARE CAUSING ME PAIN EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!”
But why?
Do I even have reason to feel this way?
Nothing is actually “happening,” you both say you are “just friends.”
And everytime you say that it makes me want to scream.
Because I feel you trying to make plans without me, trying to spend time without me, texting without me, talking without me, hours and hours and hours practically every single day, and everything feels like the two of you shining with your connection and me fading into the void.
(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
Oh this life. I was her artist, and now there is a new artist. I am stripped of identity, of hiding behind skills and abilities, of every shallow reason I am worthy. I am worthy because I cook, I am worthy because I dance, I am worthy because I write, I am worthy because I can put a shelf together, I am worthy because I am smart. Now my skills feel meaningless as Girlfriend and Girl watch each other in open-mouthed awe, and I am reduced to nothing. I think nothing is exactly where I am supposed to be, but it is terrifying.
I want to read all of Girlfriend’s texts. I want to pore through her journals and scrape my heart with sharp evidence of their love. I want to hear every word they say. I want to throw dignity out the window in search of certainty and comfort, in search of a reprieve from the ripping open, soul-rending pain. But no. Let go. Stop asking. Let go. Dare to trust Girlfriend. Can I dare to trust her and believe what she says? That she loves me more and more? That she is not going anywhere? That I am her baby? That I am her queen? That I am number one? Do I dare believe this?
And can I believe in my own desirability, in my own worth, in my own place in this relationship, in this life? Can I see I am beautiful, that I am worthy not because I am standing by Girlfriend’s side, but because I am always fucking worthy? Can I believe our relationship is equal, that I am just as attractive, just as intriguing, just as skilled, just as glorious as she is? For so long I have put my identity into Girlfriend, into her appearance, her abilities, hiding behind her, and now this is gone. I am not just a mother who somehow tricked her into falling in love with me, just an aging woman whose prime is past. I am goddess fire, I am love incarnate, I am walking galactic royalty, I am Queen.
Spirit says: “Forge on, dear Queen. And you will see. You will see, Rejoice in this moment, in this discomfort, find solace here for the waters you are crossing may be dark and murky, the winds may whip you to and fro, the waves may seem threatening and ominous, but you. You are meant for this journey, meant to navigate these seas, they are for you. And the land that is waiting? Oh, so sweet. The land that is waiting? Oh, so precious, grapes and honey and bliss beyond all imagination. Where you are going is beyond all of your wildest dreams, so have faith, sit in trust, breathe in and out of this journey, this portal, this moving through. Let it break you open. Let it break you free so you can fly.”
“Let go. Let go and trust. TRUST. TRUST. TRUST that you will be unshakeable, that all you have been wishing for is rushing toward you, that all will be well and more than well, it will be sublime, it will be heaven on Earth, it will be destiny and fiery truth and golden flame and sacred magic. Trust. Trust this. Follow the path, heed the signs, listen to your intuition, allow yourself to become all that you are, dear soul, it is coming. It is coming, and it will be grand. Beauty beyond anything you have ever seen.”
I do not need to insert myself. I do not need to include myself. I do not need to clutch at a role no one is interested in giving me. I do not need to behave in a way that convinces me I am part of a trio instead of a straggler clinging to a duet. I only need to surrender and let myself be broken open, let myself flounder in the deep and know I will not drown, know I am being set free, know I will learn to fly.
(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend
Now that everything is good, now that Girl supposedly likes me too, you retreat?
How is it that NOW you are in your armor?
How is that NOW you are closed off, and she and I are left talking awkwardly while glancing at your silent self?
How come you get to be uncomfortable and have feelings? I thought I owned the victim role, I thought I had the monopoly of bad feelings, I thought, of the two of us, I retained the pity-party corner of this experience. Because I am no one’s new love.
And also, I feel it and I see it. Her concern wrapped around you, her consciousness noting every little thing you are doing and not doing. I feel her eyes looking past me, locked onto you.
I want to believe she likes both of us, that she meant what she said. But it feels wildly untrue, everything in me is screaming it is not true. She does not respond to me the way she responds to you, she does not look at me the way she looks at you, she can talk to you for hours while she and I seem incapable of talking to each other for minutes, and I am pissed that you are standing there feeling whatever sadness or pain you are feeling when I feel like you have everything I want.
But Spirit reminds me:
“Trust the Universe,
Flow,
Surrender,
Let go.
Trust the bliss that is waiting on the other side.
Trust that you are forging gold.
Trust and do not be afraid,
This is for all of you.
Breathe and sleep.
Sleep and trust.
Sleep and know the Universe is conspiring to give you everything you want.
Trust it will be exactly as it needs to be.”
(NOTE: This evening was hard for me, but it was hard for Girlfriend, too. Fearing losing Girl, fearing losing me, caught in the middle, wishing it could be the three of us somehow in bliss and harmony but seeing that Girl and I do not click, yet hoping it could work out.
For so long I looked back on this memory just pissed at Girlfriend, thinking she had no right to shut down, no right to be a party pooper, but she had every right. Every right to feel her feelings, to be as scared as I was, to be as confused and lost and unsure as I was. I was just so jealous Girlfriend seemed to have what I wanted, but in the end, I am very grateful our roles were what they were. I am SO glad they were not switched. So glad I was not the one getting attention, because that came at a mighty cost.)
(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
I am sitting in this place. It is quiet.
Ah it hurts. These paintings that are Girl to my love. Girlfriend says she knows why the art arrived, because they are connected to Girl. They are the energy or essence of Girl, or whatever. That is why the colors caught her. That is why she could not forget them. That is why she bought both. And Girlfriend sits there, in the dark, staring staring staring at these stupid neon representations of her brand new, life-changing love.
Girlfriend says Girl broke her open and set her free from the aching and pain she felt her whole life. Girlfriend says Girl brings her to tears. Girlfriend says Girl is probably from her home starseed planet, that is why Girl feels like everything she has been missing. Girlfriend says Girl makes her feel things she’s never felt in her life.
Blah blah blah blah blah, good for you.
I don’t think Girlfriend understands the weight of her words. I don’t think she understands how much they sting. She has always been expressive, always wore her heart on her sleeve, and I have loved this about her. But now I wish she would shove her heart somewhere dark where I cannot see it, because I do not want to see it. I only want her heart on her sleeve when it is my name tattooed inside of it.
And what am I in this? What am I as the love of my life swirls and tumbles and weeps and is deathly obliterated by Girl’s presence? What am I when the world is slipping and sliding them together? How does one do this? How do I open my heart when it is screaming to be closed, how do I hold on to our life together when it has been upended, how do I believe in this path?
But I know this is the path. This is the way. I KNOW, I know this to be true, as my heart breaks wide open ten times an hour I know this to be true. And Spirit whispers:
Do not give up
Do not falter
Press on, dear child, press on
You are getting everything your heart desires
You are receiving all that you dream of
Have faith, dear child
This is not the end
The pain is temporary, but the rewards are great
Our queen, our love
This is the dawning of your light
This is the donning of your crown
This is death for rebirth
This is ashes and dust before the rising of the Phoenix
Trust us
Trust us
Trust us
Trust what you know to be true
(I despised the paintings for months, but I got over it. I love them now.)
(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend,
Tonight I am doing something I have never done, doing something that has made me nervous for a month, yet I said it was okay for you two to hang out in the car. I said it was fine for you to not be with me. I wanted you to make the most of your time with Girl, because time is limited, and I know she makes you happy, and I know you make her happy, and I feel so much pull between you two, what can I do but support this joy? What can I do when she seems to blow off her plans to be with you? What can I do when it looks like she beelines for you, and you both disappear before I can show you how my red shoes match my glasses?
But it stings that you come around for only ten minutes, it stings that you spend three hours with her and none with me. That it feels like you choose her over me all night. Even though I told you to. I am doing that thing where I tell you to do something, but hope you’ll guess what I really want. Where I tell you something is okay, but it is not. How dare you listen to what I say with my mouth and not what I am thinking silently in my mind.
It stings when I come to the car for a jacket and you are both in the back, because for a moment I think you have rocketed forward in your relationship, I think you are making out or even past that, and I am filled with new horror. I am angry. I am sad. It hits me like ice pressed against my heart and I lose my breath, I lose my voice, I am losing my mind. Even when the door opens and you are just sitting there, I sense the lights dancing in both your eyes and want to scream, want to cry. I feel it. I feel the wanting. But I do not say anything. I take the jacket, force an empty smile, turn around sharply and walk away.
I think about the roles being reversed, if it was me, what I might want. How I’d want you to support me. How I’d want you to feel about it, how I’d want you to be generous and cool and graceful. I think about how, even if I was lost in the dream and fresh-ness of her, I’d still love you so very much, and so I try. I try to feel okay. And it is so fucking hard to feel okay when my partner seems to be falling for someone else, and when that someone else, who I also am kinda falling for, seems to be falling for my partner. Everyone falling, but no one for me to catch, and no one to catch me.
So I return to my thing, chest empty, arms empty, spirit empty. I feel feelings I have not felt in a very long time. I want to drink until I am staggering down the road, cold wind against my cheeks, feeling like I could die. I want to dance into oblivion, until I cannot remember who you are or who I am or who I thought we were or who I hoped I could be to either of you. I throw myself at some guy, wrapping my arms around him like he is my life preserver, but I do not give a shit about him, I just want to be gone. I want to be moved by someone other than you and her, I want to be desired, I want to be valued, I want to be seen. You show up when I am still in his arms with your cheeks still glowing from her.
You relay your conversation with Girl, and it seems she has been pushing you to tell her. She is asking, asking, asking, and I tell you she clearly wants you to admit your feelings, wants you to admit the REAL reason why you are nervous around her. It also sounds like she is offering hope and possibility, like she could be available for you, like there is a door cracked open. And you want to walk through it, you want to tell her you have a crush on her, I can see you wanting, more than anything, to go through this door. To her.
But you ask me first if you should, you ask me if it is okay and I don’t want you to, and it is NOT okay, and I don’t want this to move any further, but it must, it must, I know it must because to stop now is to stop halfway across a bridge, midway through investigation, clues spread everywhere and not an answer to be found. To stop now will always leave questions, to stop now will be to miss the learning of this journey, to stop now means holding the fear that you might be mad at me forever. That you are with me because I force you to be with me. That you will always be wondering what lies outside of the lines of our relationship. So I tell you to tell her, tell her TELL HER. And you do. And you do. And it seems she likes you too. Well, of course, who wouldn’t?
Fucking fantastic.