(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present. My present relationship is completely monogamous.)
“Just when you think you are sooooo strong, a young woman blows into your life and you find you are brittle as leaves in the Fall” – Me
NOTE: This was written the day after discovering Girl felt something for me, too. The chariot of anxiety came in QUICK.
When there are three people. Suddenly the relationship is not your own. There is another player. I could feel whatever I feel, but there is also Girlfriend and her vast influence, and everyone has to be on board for it to work, and it is a large thing to go from two to three in such a vulnerable place.
This place. The questioning of being around Girl and how we alter. I see it in Girlfriend and it frightens me how concerned she seems to now be about what I share, what I say, what I reveal about her when she did not care before. Suddenly I feel I need to edit my words, edit my openness, edit my writing, and I don’t like it.
I see it in me as well, the pull to put on some sort of show. I question my words, my expressions, my articulation, my stories, everything I am doing. What will Girl think? How will Girl view me? Will I lose her? Will I lose them? Is everything I am saying empty and dumb?
I fear my past is too pristine, my stories too nice, my understanding too small and privileged and fortunate. I fear I have no place. I fear I am on the outside. I fear I am not enough. But I will fight to not let this change me. I will fight to say the words I have always meant to say, dare to share all that is me, dare to let myself be seen and ask to be loved just the way I am. Just the way I am… Have I ever been just the way I am? Do I even know what that is?
The fear. The fear that comes with having something I feel like I am not supposed to have. To have something I feel unworthy of, to have something everyone says should not exist, to have something that is seemingly so leading edge and glorious and brilliantly shining that it is terrifying because how does one survive the loss of something this grand?
It feels like I have been gifted a pegasus in a world that says they do not exist. And now I am so afraid she will be taken away and my life will always be missing a pegasus, my life will suffer from a pegasus-shaped hole forever even though, just a little bit ago, I had no idea I even wanted one.
(NOTE: Throwing this in here in case anyone is becoming confused. We were never a throuple, Girlfriend and Girl were never officially dating or in a romantic relationship, there was nothing official about any of this. But there were lots and lots and lots of feelings that made it all FEEL very real. I am sure many of you have been in not-official relationships that felt very real. If you have not, then good for you.)
