(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend
Now that everything is good, now that Girl supposedly likes me too, you retreat?
How is it that NOW you are in your armor?
How is that NOW you are closed off, and she and I are left talking awkwardly while glancing at your silent self?
How come you get to be uncomfortable and have feelings? I thought I owned the victim role, I thought I had the monopoly of bad feelings, I thought, of the two of us, I retained the pity-party corner of this experience. Because I am no one’s new love.
And also, I feel it and I see it. Her concern wrapped around you, her consciousness noting every little thing you are doing and not doing. I feel her eyes looking past me, locked onto you.
I want to believe she likes both of us, that she meant what she said. But it feels wildly untrue, everything in me is screaming it is not true. She does not respond to me the way she responds to you, she does not look at me the way she looks at you, she can talk to you for hours while she and I seem incapable of talking to each other for minutes, and I am pissed that you are standing there feeling whatever sadness or pain you are feeling when I feel like you have everything I want.
But Spirit reminds me:
“Trust the Universe,
Flow,
Surrender,
Let go.
Trust the bliss that is waiting on the other side.
Trust that you are forging gold.
Trust and do not be afraid,
This is for all of you.
Breathe and sleep.
Sleep and trust.
Sleep and know the Universe is conspiring to give you everything you want.
Trust it will be exactly as it needs to be.”
(NOTE: This evening was hard for me, but it was hard for Girlfriend, too. Fearing losing Girl, fearing losing me, caught in the middle, wishing it could be the three of us somehow in bliss and harmony but seeing that Girl and I do not click, yet hoping it could work out.
For so long I looked back on this memory just pissed at Girlfriend, thinking she had no right to shut down, no right to be a party pooper, but she had every right. Every right to feel her feelings, to be as scared as I was, to be as confused and lost and unsure as I was. I was just so jealous Girlfriend seemed to have what I wanted, but in the end, I am very grateful our roles were what they were. I am SO glad they were not switched. So glad I was not the one getting attention, because that came at a mighty cost.)
