(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
My history is dotted (or smeared, maybe flooded) with self-destructive behavior. Telling ill-conceived lies that cannot help but bite me in the ass, chasing unavailable and not-nice people, running up loads of credit card debt, eating tremendous amounts of ice cream despite being severely allergic to dairy.
The seriousness varies.
But this tendency to be my own worst enemy may explain why, when Girlfriend wanted to stop the whole experiment, I asked her to keep going. Nay, I BEGGED her to keep going. Pleaded with her to stay in it.
To Girlfriend
I know Girl only likes you
I know I am terrified of losing you
I know you two have a special connection
I know you want Girl woven into our life
I know I can do this
And when you feel down, overwhelmed by the stress of it all, by the stress of Girl and the stress of me, you decide to bow out. You decide it is too much, these feelings are not what you want, you do not want to see her or talk to her anymore. And ahhhh, I know you cannot do this. It is not time for the end.
So I passionately attempt to convince you to stay, because I know this is the course, the tarot said so, the guides said so, the Universe said so, but also because I am not ready to lose Girl, for reasons I do not yet understand, and I know if you bow out she is gone. Because you are the reason she is here. I am not ready for this adventure to end. I am not ready to give up the inexplicable addiction I have for her. I am not ready for the chaos to disappear.
You tell me I can have her, and that makes me so angry because I cannot, because I know she does not have the feelings for me she has for you. I know I am nothing in this.
So I tell Girl, good little enabler and desperate-to-keep-her-around whatever that I am, I tell her you are shutting down and saying you are done, and of course she comes rushing over to make sure you do no such thing. And you two are sitting in the garage under the little lights, and I am inside listening to Throne on repeat, trying to drown your existences out, trying to tell myself I did a good thing, but really kicking myself, trying to figure out why I love twisting knives into my own gut. I even drove Girl here, knowing full well she had me drive so she could ask you to drive her back. Alone-car-time. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Again, the FUCK, Angela.
Days and weeks after this night I will ask myself why I fought for such a dreadful experience. Why didn’t I just let it go? But I also don’t think it was ever going to end there. I don’t think I actually had any control. I don’t think any of us had any control.
I know I want to shut down and shield myself from you
I know I cannot.
I know I must leave it all alone, that I cannot ask for anything.
I know this is all for a reason.
I know
I know
I know
I know nothing at all.
I know I need to pay more attention to my life?
I know this feels like the hardest thing I have intentionally done.
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be.
Let the walls tumble and the stones fall.
Let it rip me open and leave me raw.
Let it burn my demons to the ground.
Let it be.
(NOTE: I must mention that while I persisted in spite of pain, Girlfriend was also persisting. Spirit guided her to remain open, to show Girl unconditional love, to not abandon her. Just as spirit showed ME this was the way, it showed Girlfriend as well. So we were both in this thing, this unpleasant thing, trying our darndest to follow our intuition, to follow the Universe, to be open to discomfort, to be wide open to it all.)
