(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
It feels like falling to pieces. It feels like heartbreak after a relationship, but Girlfriend is still here and not going anywhere. It feels like everything is different, surreal, empty, fakes of what used to be real. It feels like an ending, but nothing is ending. It feels like horrendous, cataclysmic pain, but because of what? Sharing? Not being the only one in my love’s heart? Letting her be with other people? Good God, this is why everyone says affairs are the worst, this is how I wrung out other’s hearts. This is why non-monogamy is so judged and belittled, this is why. Because it fucking hurts.
I want revenge, I want to fall for someone so Girlfriend feels it, so she knows this torture.
But I don’t really want that. I want her to be happy. I want her to be free to express and love and feel, and I also want to disappear, but I also feel like I do not have a choice. That she will not stay if she is not free. That someday, maybe, I will want to be free. This is the only way.
It was fun until it became real, and now reality weighs heavy like an anchor dragging me to the bottom of the sea. Just the idea of them doing all the things I used to think were reserved just for me, how? How do I do this? How do I be okay? With this swiftness, with this avalanche that feels so incredibly unjust and so incredibly unfair while also acutely self-inflicted, how? HOW?!!
CHOOSE. Choose. How do you want this, Angela? How do you want this to be? How do you want this to feel? How do you want this experience to unfold, how do you want to transcend? What do you want to become?
I want…
I want to feel happy because Girlfriend is happy. I want my love to be so beautiful, so unlimited that it can expand to fit any situation. I want to love Girl as a part of our family, I want to love Girlfriend more than ever before. I want to look at her and feel joy, I want to be next to her and feel peace, I want to watch her with the children and feel the intense gratitude I felt only days ago, I want to see how gorgeous she is and be just as proud and just as utterly enchanted as I was this past Sunday.
I want to feel the way we were but even better. Even more. I want to share, to know she is my primary, to know that I am hers, to rest in this and feel assured. I want to feel seen and heard and loved, I want to love more beautifully than the world has ever seen, I want peace. I want to be the Queen that touches everyone she meets, that shines with the warmth of the sun, that radiates strength, beauty, grace, and love everywhere she goes. I want to be all I am meant to be.
That is what I want for all of us together. So pretty, yes?
(NOTE: It is pretty, because it was a fantasy. A fantastical, not-at-all-rooted-in-reality idea of what I could be. Of what we all could be.)
