(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend, here are two fear-based reasons I persist in this experience.
REASON #1:
You say you may not be capable of monogamy, and maybe the reason why we are in this, why I agree to this, why I push for this, is because I am afraid I am not capable of monogamy either.
I have, after all, a stunning track record of cheating on almost every partner I have ever had. So how can I be monogamous if I am so dreadful at it?
So I tell myself I can do this, because someday I may need you to do this for me.
I tell myself I want you to be happy, because someday I may need you to want for me to be happy in this same way.
I want to know that if I accidentally fall in love with someone else, you will still love me. Because I still loved you.
REASON #2:
I am lovable because of what I do.
The more I do, the more special I am. The more special I am, the more you will love me.
I have to always make sure I am doing more than you, significantly more, because then I am extra special and how can you leave someone who is extra special?
What if I cook all of your food? Special.
What if I wash and fold your laundry even though you tell me not to? Special.
What if I paint rooms in the house all by myself, order new furniture all by myself, assemble the furniture all by myself, and make the house ten times nicer all by myself, declining your offers to help? Special.
What if I write brilliantly and people love my words? Special.
What if I learn your arts and dive into them as deeply as you? Special.
But there are others who can do more than me. So am I not as special as they are? Could you leave me for someone who does even more? Someone more special?
Well then. What if… What if I let you fall in love with other people? What if I can be okay with you sleeping with other people? What if I can be so mature and so sophisticated and so contemporary and so damn cool you can go on dates and stay the night at another girl’s place and come home to me and I am not only fine, I am happy for you?
Super. Fucking. Special.
And how could you ever leave?
