(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend
Last night I fell apart
because I saw a map of your new world
and she was in the center.
It took me hours
just to find my name.
We stopped sleeping with our phones a year ago, choosing to not slumber in pure EMF soup, but now your phone is missing from its overnight cushion. I know where it is. It is in your hand, or beside you, or glowing somewhere near your head, EMF-ing your brain, just so you do not miss a single text from her.
It seems your whole day and mood are determined by Girl’s actions. And it makes me angry, watching you in the palm of her hand. It makes me angry, seeing you seemingly controlled and manipulated. I am angry at her. I am angry at you. I am angry at me for being angry. I am angry at me for still being here.
So I focus on the kids, I talk with them, I laugh with them, I find a little joy, I find myself again for a minute, outside of you. I find space, and in the space a little peace.
It is what it is, and exactly how it should be, and I am searching for how I can be happy right now with life just as it is? And there it is. Calm.
I fear the imminent return of sadness, the return of pain, but I do not want to live from fear. I want to live from love. And I know pain is temporary, I know I am strong enough for this, I know I can do this, whatever this is. I am a Warrior Queen, and I will live.
