(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girlfriend
Girl seems to want to spend time alone with you. She claims she wants alone time with each of us, but you are the one she is suggesting the super-long-out-in-nowhere hike to. My texts are empty. As usual. You are so drugged under her spell you don’t seem to see it, what she is doing. Though maybe it’s not that you don’t see it, it’s that you refuse to admit it.
I see it. It feels like Girl is trying to separate us, trying to get you isolated, trying to remove me from the picture. I suspect she is plying you with words you want to hear, claiming to care about me, claiming to care about BOTH of us. I don’t think I am important to Girl, I don’t think she gives a shit about me. I suspect this woman will run me over if it gets her to you faster, and it feels like you are letting her.
What do I feel?
Love and hatred butting heads, the call to shut down, the call to spiral into a rage and let my base emotions fly unfiltered.
I want to declare “FUCK YOU BOTH and crush everything you each hold dear.
I want to erase the past five years with a pocketknife, to scratch out every memory we ever made.
I want to hold you still and scream “YOU ARE CAUSING ME PAIN EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!”
But why?
Do I even have reason to feel this way?
Nothing is actually “happening,” you both say you are “just friends.”
And everytime you say that it makes me want to scream.
Because I feel you trying to make plans without me, trying to spend time without me, texting without me, talking without me, hours and hours and hours practically every single day, and everything feels like the two of you shining with your connection and me fading into the void.
