(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
So it may appear like Girlfriend was getting all of the goodies while I was losing the goodies I thought I had.
BUT, it takes two to tango, so let’s take a peek at Girlfriend’s possible perspective.
Imagine Girlfriend has laid her eyes upon the most loveliest, most intriguing, most delectable, most coolest lollipop in all the land. And she was like “Oh my gosh babe, this lollipop is AMAZING, can I hang out with it?” to which I replied “Yes, you absolutely can hang out with it. Have a great time. Forge deep bonds. It looks delicious. You have my wholehearted blessing.”
Then, as time goes on, I realize I don’t like how much time Girlfriend spends with Lollipop, I don’t like how attached she’s becoming to Lollipop, I don’t like the whole house being sticky or that she always smells like strawberries.
BUT, I am deeply lacking in self-worth, rather codependent and people-pleaser-y plus fawn-y, and under the impression that Girlfriend is way better than me, way hotter than me, and is doing me massive favors by being with me, a dowdy, used up mother of three. I think she is the good-est looking, most badass creature in the entire world, and I cannot live without her, and so I try to be cool about it so she does not leave me. I try to be cool by arranging for them to hang out and encouraging their alone-time and saying super awesome things like “Lollipop can come over anytime!” and “Let’s definitely drop all of our plans for Lollipop at any moment!” and “Let’s buy Lollipop gifts!” and “Yeah, I guess I could tolerate Lollipop possibly living in our house someday.”
However, in between all of the cool things, I am falling apart. I am having a fit in the garage. I am running to the corner of the street and crying under a big tree. I am beating our mattress with a guava stick. I am sitting on giant rocks in a preschool yard at 2am, shaking my fist at the stars. I am recording pissed-off videos. I am clearly not okay.
But then I force myself to be fine. I gather myself up, remember I am supposed to be perfect, and go back to saying mature-as-shit things like, “Why don’t you spend time with Lollipop while I grocery shop?” and “Let’s take Lollipop food on our date day!” and “Let’s help Lollipop have more money than we do!”
And then, of course, the falling apart in between.
So you can see how it could be confusing.
NOW, imagine Lollipop is, uh, heroin-flavored. Or whatever the most addictive drug is. (This is not real, no one did any hard drugs, we have no idea what heroin tastes like). And so when I get to the point of “I am losing my shit, I cannot do this anymore, I don’t want to be around Lollipop,” Girlfriend does not seem to be able to stop. She can’t lose Lollipop now. I can’t tell her she can have Heroin Lollipop, encourage her to be addicted to heroin Lollipop, then tell her she needs to throw heroin Lollipop in the garbage and not have any heroin Lollipops ever again. That is not nice.
PLUS, even though I voiced my displeasure, I also repeatedly wavered and backtracked because I also have a weird addiction to Heroin Lollipop and find myself constantly taking back my words, apologizing, saying it was all my fault, and inviting Lollipop over. Even though it kind of seems like Lollipop is trying to steal my partner and screw up my life, I so desperately want Lollipop still in it.
And if I, the cast-out one feeling ignored and run over, still wants Lollipop around… Can you imagine how Girlfriend must have felt as the one Lollipop appeared to actually be obsessed with?
I hope this was helpful.
(NOTE: If you are all wondering WHY we were ever so attached to her, I will attempt to explain this in a later post)
