(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
Reason #2: Insatiable Craving for External Validation
This all happened during a time we were starved for external validation. Attention. Compliments. Being thought of as cool. Showing off our skills. Being seen as having value, being seen as “above” on the ladder of hierarchy.
And Girl felt like a cat, at first. Guarded, mysterious, finicky, skittish. So of course, we were like “YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE!” because we are programmed to want what we cannot have. And then, when she finally came around, wow. What an explosion of love, though mostly for Girlfriend, but some of it leaked toward me in the first week or two. Our home is the first place that ever felt like home? Our love is the only unconditional love she’s ever tasted? Holy crap, we were hooked. We were also given magical, exclusive access. She’d show up almost daily, tell us stories that seemed like secrets only we had the privilege of knowing. The cat chose us, and we were so special. External validation flowing strong.
And for Girlfriend? Oh my gosh. The way Girl made her feel, at first? Girlfriend sat on a pedestal of pedestals, she was wisdom incarnate, she was a goddess and god, she was the physical manifestation of what had only been a fantasy, a veritable dream woman painting come to life, the motherfucking sun. And for Girlfriend, who moved from kingdoms where she was adored, respected, and held in great esteem, to our home with children who barely noticed she had any skills at all? Girl was the water to quench Girlfriend’s long-held thirst.
I mean, at least Girlfriend was love blitzed and had good reason to get attached. I was just next to the explosion, trying so hard to find scraps and crumbs for myself. Wanting Girl around just in hopes that she might give me something, might SEE me for even a second, might acknowledge that I was someone of merit, too. Which is why I did not want to lose her, because I’d lose access to any possible morsels of validation that I really really really wanted from the cat. I mean, Girl. Crazy. Pretty much an all-consuming desperation for her to tell me that I had value like Girlfriend. And an equal desperation for Girlfriend to tell me I had value like Girl.
