(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
And today, in the pouring rain, Girl asked for help, strands of wet hair criss-crossed on her face. So I reached for them, my fingertips brushing against her cheek, and I thought “I still like her. Even after the pain of it all, I still like her. What is this life?”
What is this world where I want what I cannot have?
Where who I want wants the same person?
Where my love is held by this girl, and this girl is held by my love. and I am on the sidelines
watching,
just watching,
waiting for nothing.
Letting it hurt,
letting pain roll in
like the tide.
(NOTE: I believe this was the last time I thought I was attracted to Girl, you know, LIKE liked her. And I don’t know if I ever actually liked her, I may have just been attached to her, and my mind translated that as attraction because it was the closest category that made sense. I think I also really WANTED to like her.
Because if I was not attracted to her, our situation turned from the somewhat interesting idea of Girlfriend and I finding the same person alluring, OOooOOoo so fun and different, into the super lame situation of Girlfriend and Girl being infatuated with each and… the end. Even though it hurt, “My partner likes my crush, and my crush likes my partner,” was easier to deal with than “My partner and some chick seem to be falling in love.”
Also, if I had no romantic feelings for Girl, they had no reason to attempt to include me. The laughable throuple-esque notion would be dead and gone, and I would have just had a girlfriend who had a new girlfriend she seemed to like better than me. I preferred letting them, and myself, think I wanted the throuple-y friendship. Not that it changed anything. Or maybe I just liked that it made me more victim-y, therefore making Girlfriend feel guiltier, because she was not only abandoning me, but also hanging out with someone I liked. Double guilt.
Again, we were never actually a throuple. They were never officially a couple. Just in case you forgot.)
