(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
I tell Girlfriend that if she cannot let Girl go, I will not do this anymore. That I am done.
And Girlfriend tells me she cannot let Girl go.
So we are done. She needs to leave, she needs to move out, she needs to be away from me because our life together is over. I am done.
I don’t know how to live through this, but I know I will.
I don’t know how I will ever feel anything but sadness and heartbreak, but I know I will.
I don’t know how I will make it to tomorrow, or the day after that, but I know I will.
Girlfriend drives away and I am left here alone.
I am crying on the kitchen floor. I am crying for everything in our house that is ours. I am crying for our past, for our present, for all our future was going to be. I am crying for the children’s coming devastation. I am crying because I thought she was my lifetime love, my eternal twin flame, my partner in this world. I am crying because the house screams her name and I do not know how to exist in this life without her. I am crying because I was going to make sushi, and that is her favorite.
But I can feel the possibility. I do a tarot spread and it says things are rough, things are bleak, that life is pain and heartache and sorrow, BUT that it is about to change. That if I continue forward I will get to new shores, I will reach new life, and everything will be glorious beyond my greatest dreams. I take comfort in this.
Hours later Girlfriend returns and asks me if we can try, she says we cannot give up on us, she asks for another chance, to do this all better, and I say no. I say no. no. no. no. NO. I need to go to new shores. I need to get to the land that is beyond my greatest dreams.
Then Girlfriend says she’ll let Girl go.
And I pause.
(NOTE: The fact that Girlfriend let me break up with her instead of saying she’d give up Girl was a sore point for a long time. I’d bring it up in every fight. It was like an ulcer eating away at my sanity. I could not believe, when it came down to the actual end, she chose Girl over me. Even if it was only for 6 hours. It haunted me, and I could not understand why Girlfriend did not seem to grasp why I felt absolutely gutted and utterly betrayed.
It took nearly a year, and many talks, for me to understand Girlfriend’s side. That she honestly did not think we actually broke up. She assumed we’d stay together, as we have done before many times when we’d “break up.” She assumed I did not really mean it, that surely I would take her back when I calmed down. And it was not until she came to me to ask to try again and I said “Absolutely not,” that she realized I was serious. That I wasn’t just lashing out in anger. That I meant what I said. And the moment she realized our relationship was actually about to end, was the moment she said she would let Girl go. So in her mind, she actually chose me.
And then I let her keep Girl, but that’s for the next post.)
