(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)
After we broke up in the morning and got back together in the early evening, Girlfriend meekly asked me if she could possibly, perhaps, if I was okay with it, maybe NOT cut off Girl, if she could try to actually be friends with her. No more non-monogamy, no more crush, no more agenda other than normal, regular ol’ buddies. Could she just try to have the friendship she wanted in the first place with Girl, before it got all weird?
Well. Everyone knows people who are deeply attracted to each other in obsessive, forbidden, chaotic ways are excellent candidates for becoming purely platonic friends.
But I agreed. I AGREED.
Why did I agree? Because of the reasons in post #25 and #19 did not just disappear overnight. Brief review of reasons:
Fear
Proving my worth
Affinity for toxicity
Need for external validation
Desire to be a hero
Desperately wanting a friend
It was all meant to be
In addition I think… I think I wanted to prove to Girlfriend that she and Girl were never just friends and could never be just friends. I wanted to see them crash and burn, be validated as a victim, and tie up all loose ends. I didn’t want Girlfriend wondering about Girl and their possible buddy-ness, I wanted to let her explore all possibilities so I could never be labeled a limitation. Girlfriend would never be able to point at me and say “If you only let me be her friend, it could have all worked out.”
Also, I used to tell my therapist I wished the two could run away together for just one month because that would be enough time for them to fall apart, for them to probably get into an actual fistfight, for Girlfriend to show up at the door, begging me to take her back. It was not possible to send them off together, but judging from what I saw of their relationship, I had a feeling Girlfriend and Girl’s connection would implode in due time. So I gave them time. And it did.
