Talking about what happened until 4am, becoming increasingly impassioned the later it gets, swearing we will not talk until 4am ever again, doing it again the next night.
Reading a shadow work book and allowing its exercises to rip us open. Lifting lids off our boiling pots of hideousness, following a map until finding the X over our biggest shame, holding projections to the light and finding there is nothing there but the center of each of us.
Training Muay Thai at the park, getting pissed, me yelling, her telling me to not fucking yell, being so enraged that I throw my hands up and we walk in opposite directions. Seething alone on a hillside as the sun sets until the golf cart park people tell me the park is closed. The video of that training becoming our most popular reel, maybe it’s good to film while angry?
Looking at Girlfriend, feeling overwhelmed with love, then scared I will lose her someday, scared I am not good enough for her to stay.
Getting dressed up, going to a party at a poolside, being the only people on the dance floor for a whole hour, wondering if Girl will be there, being glad Girl is not there, being disappointed Girl is not there, dancing until our knees hurt and being drenched by sudden rain as we walk to our car.
Looking at Girlfriend, feeling overwhelmed with love, then feeling blessed to navigate this life journey with her, knowing I am more than worthy. And so is she.
Raging battering-ram egos trying to push each other off the Mario Kart Rainbow Road, but in real life.
Sulking in therapy, crying in therapy, getting into bitter fights before therapy three weeks in a row and showing up with puffy eyes and lots of complaints.
Two hundred kisses every day.
Me spitting out “You chose her over me! You chose her over me!” in every argument, Girlfriend telling me it is not fair to always do this, me feeling like it is the only fair thing in the whole entire world.
Asking Girlfriend if she can be “All in”, her saying she is “All in”, realizing I don’t know how to let her be “All in,” learning how.
No longer going to places we know Girl is going to be.
Deciding anything Girl likes sucks, unfollowing everything on Instagram related to her, feeling immature, then re-following several pages because I actually do like some things Girl likes.
Pulling in from the world, avoiding all people, because people cause problems.
Opening up to the world, because we are here to be human beings that connect with other human beings.
Fighting the night before Pride, waking up after four hours of sleep, crying during the parade not because we are mad or sad, but because Pride is such a beautiful celebration. Getting dehydrated and sunburned, buying coconut water from the ABC store, riding on The Bus for one hour, being elated to be home, showering, taking the most glorious nap we will speak of for the rest of our lives.
Meditation, breath work, hape, kambo, sound bowls, moon ceremonies, gratitude lists, manifestation rituals, burning toothpicks in a flame.
Girlfriend, who had moved out of the bedroom for logical reasons (like both of us being able to sleep) before we ever met Girl, asking if she could sleep in the bedroom with me for just one night. Then two nights. Then three nights. Then moving back in permanently.
Finally being open-hearted enough to say “This is my side of the situation, what I saw, thought, heard, felt, perceived… Can you tell me what it was like from your side?” and discovering perspective can be a mighty balm.
Girlfriend doing more around the house, me letting her, finding balance with each other, creating a stronger home and family than we ever had before.
Girlfriend coming into the market with me instead of chauffeuring and waiting in the car. Discovering being together in Whole Foods is one of our favorite things, and that we deserve an award for our efficient check out and bagging technique.
Peeling back layer after layer of ourselves, finding the root always has roots, unraveling a lifetime of programming, picking apart decades-old patterns, holding space for each other to do the work.
Playing games with the kids, laughing until we are crying, ending the night holding each other in bed, feeling so lucky to live our lives.
Me saying “I don’t want to be non-monogamous,” and Girlfriend saying “Neither do I.”
Both of us working through “I am not enough” and “I am not safe” with EMDR.
Escalating into a fight, but ending up in productive conversation. Patting ourselves on the back for it.
Me realizing I was not “All in” either and choosing to be. To let myself wholly love.
Me trying to put together this series for the fourth time, and discovering I am not angry anymore. That I can read my rawest work and feel nothing, then turn to Girlfriend and feel absolute joy.
Girlfriend editing my videos and having to listen to me read this series, where she seems mostly like a villain, over and over again.
Both of us learning to be in a relationship that feels good, learning to love without fear.
Many talks with the children about what took place, why, and how it was brutal but brave.
Debating whether we should get married in Hawaii, in Seattle, or somewhere in Europe with cobblestone streets and ivy crawling on the walls. Girlfriend telling me we are not getting married in Disney World, good thing I was just kidding about that.
Accepting we cannot know what the future holds, but knowing that right now, and for what feels like will be the rest of our lives, we are each other’s people. Feeling we are fortunate to spend this lifetime together, in growth, in joy, in challenge, and deeply, profoundly in love.
