(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
To Girl,
It has taken us weeks to get you here, from the first invitation you kept avoiding, to Girlfriend throwing caution to the wind, asking you outright, and you finally saying yes. We are giddy, we are excited, I am cleaning the whole house, I am organizing the crystals above the toilet, I am rearranging the books on our bookshelf, I am feverishly chopping up my “Bonanza of Exotic Asian Fruits.” We cannot believe you are finally emerging from your impenetrable fortress and gracing our home, we cannot believe you are going to be here, like the greatest prize in the world cause you are just. The. Coolest.
So now you are here in our safe haven and you seem nervous. Is it because we don’t have furniture to sit on? Is it because you can feel how much we want you to like us? Is it because I put out candles for light, and now the room is weirdly romantic?
I feel you are looking a lot at Girlfriend, gauging her reactions and facial expressions, seemingly searching for validation in her eyes. You do not look for the same from me. Girlfriend is equally nervous with you here and barely eats a thing even though I’ve prepared her favorite foods. And I sense it, already, the two of you abuzz with each other, your energies pointed toward each other, your eyes catching each other’s, your bodies angled toward each other. I feel it heavy on my body like a thick woolen sweater far scratchier than I thought it would be.
And what am I doing? What role am I playing here? Why am I cleaning up the kitchen while you hang out in the garage? The garage I tidied, on the bench I cleared, under the lights I strung up, like my purpose is to create perfect environments for your budding friendship-relationship-whatever? The fuck, Angela.
I did not know how much it would cost to break through your walls. I did not know what I wanted so much would be the beginning of days and months I did not want at all. I would say I should have left you behind your defenses, left you distanced from us, left you a stranger to our home but there is nothing I would trade. Nothing I would trade for the person I have become. For the people we have become. Ultimately worth it.
